i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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