So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
