I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
