it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
