my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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