taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
