I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
