***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
