I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
