Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
