I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
