you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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