She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
