dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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