So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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