My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
