dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
