I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
