and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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