he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
