My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
