i need an iv and a liver transplant
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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