I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
