can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
