1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
where are you?
Hypothermia
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
