you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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