I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
