Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
