I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
why do cheetos always look like penises
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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