take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
