You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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