Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
