No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
