I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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