Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
