I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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