Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
