Someone shit on the floor
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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