My friends, they love my intelligence
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
