AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
