So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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