So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
