I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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