He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
