Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Need sex. Gaining weight.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
