the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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