you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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