Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
