do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
