I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
