so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
